Hi! I’m away from my desk because someone just told me that “The Black Parade” came out 15 years ago and I had to lie down. I look forward to responding to your message when I can make more sense of the passage of time.
Best,
G.
Hello. Like many misguided Americans, I adopted a puppy during the pandemic. I will be slow to respond to email because puppies are spontaneous in all the wrong ways and notoriously unreliable. For example, today, mine peed on every rug in the house while digesting three rolls of toilet paper. I look forward to replying to your message when I stop crying.
Sincerely,
G.
Thanks for your message. I started reading the U.N. Climate Report this morning and now I can’t for the life of me remember why I ever thought what I did here was important. If you need me urgently, you don’t. I’ll respond to your message once I can forget about how quickly the planet is hurtling toward catastrophe.
Kind regards,
G.
My kid spiked a fever last night and we are waiting on his COVID test results so I’m balancing my work responsibilities with childcare duties, which is inhumane and I frankly can’t believe capitalism has driven us to this. (Actually, of course I can believe capitalism has driven us to this.) The child is still at that tricky age where, if I’m not constantly looking at him, he could start a house fire, so I’m only checking email from the toilet in 45-second bursts. I will respond to your message after I put some hot dogs in this ramen and start Mewtwo Strikes Back for the third time today.
Don’t judge me,
G.
I am feeling under the weather today and will be slow to respond to email. In the Before Times, I would simply take a full-on sick day. Now that hours of operation are literally “forever and always” and you have so graciously allowed us to work from anywhere, I’m aware that the expectation is that I will continue being productive from under this heating pad and pile of blankets. I’m pretty sure it’s not COVID, but I don’t want to tell you what it is because it’s embarrassing. OK, fine, it’s a UTI. And diarrhea.
G.
Hello. As you’ve surely heard, today is a “no bones” day, so I will be engaging in a number of self-care activities and will not be responding to email. I look forward to connecting on the next “bones” day. If you need something urgently, please contact Noodle, the 13-year-old rescue pug who’s calling all the shots. But, seeing how it’s a not a bones day, I wouldn’t hold my breath for a reply.
No, I’m not kidding,
G.
I am away from my desk running some errands and will be back online later this afternoon or maybe tomorrow. Just feeling it out right now. The errands? McDonald’s and CVS. Mama needs Diet Coke and Zoloft. This should really just be a 15-minute thing, but since I never leave my house anymore, I’m making a day of it. Going up and down every aisle. Might h*ck around and buy some Sour Patch Kids and compression socks as a treat.
Lates,
G.
I am on vacation this week and will have limited cell service and no access to email. That’s why I chose this place, actually. To get away from messages like these. It’s not like the cabin I’m staying at is glamorous. The water isn’t potable. There’s no TV. I’ve been told to expect mice. But you can’t reach me there and that’s what makes it a vacation.
See you soon, maybe…
G.
Genius genius genius
I agree wholeheartedly with Luisa!!❤️❤️