If I Have to Make A Decision I Will Burn This House to the Ground
The Conversation I Keep Having With My Spouse Now That COVID is "Over"*
By G.
Hey, some people invited us over to watch a thing and eat some stuff. How do you feel about that?
Which people?
You know, the ones who invited us over to do that thing before but we didn’t go because you were spinning out over the [winter/delta/omicron] surge. They’re really nice.
Nice is nothing. Are they vaccinated?
Probably…
PROBABLY?
I mean, I can ask…
No! Do NOT ask. If they’re vaccinated, they’ll be offended that I thought they might not be. And if they’re not vaccinated, they’re going to think I’m judging them. Which I might be.
Fair enough.
Inside or outside?
I don’t know. Want me to ask?
No. I don’t want them to think I’m uptight.
[Sarcastically] What? No. Why would anyone ever think tha—
HEY PAL WHY DON’T YOU COME SAY THAT TO MY FREAKING FACE?!
OKAY, okay, look—it’ll probably be mostly outside. Or we can just stay outside. Do you want to do that?
Don’t put that on me.
Don’t put WHAT on you?
The decision about whether to go inside. Don’t put that on me.
OK, I mean I think it’s probably fine if we go inside. Would you want to wear masks if we do, or…
You’re DOING it.
Doing WHAT? I just want your inpu—
You’re putting the WHOLE WEIGHT of the decisions on me! If we don’t go, they’re going to think we’re neurotic or that we don’t like hanging out. And they’ll be RIGHT. I don’t want to show up and then refuse to go inside, because what if the FOOD is inside? What if we need to use the BATHROOM? If we put on masks will they think we think they’re anti-vaxxers? Or will they think WE’RE anti-vaxxers? What if they think we don’t understand how to calculate risk? I’m no math whiz, but I get notifications from the Citizen app, you know? I know that the car ride to their house is riskier for us than getting Covid at this point…especially the way YOU drive. And if we just go and don’t wear masks and act like everything’s normal again and then we get that VARIANT that’s already made it to Louisville, then that means we went more than TWO YEARS without getting Covid just to end up GETTING it. Which is actually FINE at this point because then I can be done WORRYING about it. And—
Alright, I hear you. Listen. It’s Okay. I can just tell them you’re not feeling well.
Sir, I will file for divorce.
[Looks at phone] Oh, you know what? I read the text wrong. This was yesterday. We’re off the hook.
I hate it here.
*Covid is not over.