By G.
So, you’ve gotten to that point in the pandemic where you realize that it’s here to stay. Your go-to excuse for the last almost two years—“I’ll go to the DMV after the pandemic is over”—has the same energy as “I’ll buy new pants when I get to my goal weight” or “I’ll wash the car after it rains.” Well guess what, sister. It rained this week. Twice. So, it’s time to put on your too-tight pants and get that Real ID before the Department of Homeland Security puts you on some kind of list.
The DMV is widely acknowledged to be the worst place on Earth. With Earth being the ghoulish wide-awake nightmare it is right now, that’s saying something. But! Just follow these steps and you’ll be out of there in time to stop by Jack in the Box on the way to the office and get the fast-food breakfast you deserve for doing a hard and boring thing.
Make an appointment. I recommend Thursday morning. Why? Because Thursday is the best day of the week and you’ll need that best day energy. It’s close enough to the weekend to feel like freedom without actually using up actual precious weekend time. You’re not going to get a new work assignment; it’s too close to the Friday. No one’s going to call you to try to make plans; it’s too late notice. These are the vibes that will carry you through those lines at the DMV.
Get there early. Doing so means you’ll have to spend your regularly scheduled Morning Scramble putting on your face and probably some hard pants, right? Which means your spouse will have to get the child ready for school? There will be tantrums, but if you time it just right, the hair dryer will drown out the screaming.
Sweet talk the sentries. Once you get through the line before the line and hand over your passport, credit card and bank statements, marriage certificate, and lease agreement to a person who has done NOTHING to earn your trust, the next many minutes will go by quicker if you make that person your friend. Try one of these icebreakers:
When the bro in the line next to you makes a crude joke about the “two numbers in his license that are easiest to remember,” you can look at your attendant, point to the fella, animatedly raise your eyebrows and say, “This guy, right?” And then she can say, “Just another day at the DMV!” And then you can laugh nervously because you think you might be witnessing a #MeToo Moment.
Tell the attendant that if this is just another day in the DMV, you’d love to listen to a podcast about the other wild things that happen here. And then, since your words are muffled behind your mask, she mishears you and thinks you say that you already do listen to a podcast about the DMV, which you don’t, you’re just trying to convey that you’re sure she’s got wild stories to tell. She thinks this is strange, and, if that is what you said, she’d be right. Since she’s polite and a team player, she’ll respond with something like, “Well, I guess I don’t need to listen to that podcast, since I live it every day!”
Get your surname story straight. If you give a DMV attendant a piece of paper with your really long name on it, they’re going to want to know which one is your last name, and why do you have so many names anyway? You can either…
Tell her about how you, a literal baby feminist, convinced your mom to give you a middle name three-and-a-half years after you were actually born. And then how when you got engaged, you decided to take your husband’s name since you just…liked it better. But you were still a feminist, so you weren’t going to lose your maiden name. And you sure as h*ck weren’t going to lose that late-but-worth-the-wait middle name either. So, yeah, all these names are going to be on your Real ID, and is that going to be a problem, officer?
Or, get a time machine and travel back to 2008 to convince your young-and-in-love self not to change your name because, even though you like your fiancé’s last name better, doing so is simply not worth the headache.
Try to smize. It’s picture time! Remove your mask, pray that your chin concealer doesn’t come off with it, and try not to look like you’re trying too hard to look cute (even though you’re trying really hard).
Treat yourself. You did it! You finally did the thing you were supposed to do in April 2020, but have been putting off because maybe, deep down, you thought that by saying, “I’ll go after the pandemic is over,” then the pandemic might actually end. That’s not where we are. But that’s OK. You did a hard thing and now you get to have Jack in the Box. You go, little rock star. Next time, don’t wait two years. Or do, because the pride you can take in the accomplishment will be worth it.
Dang it. I do have to go get that Real ID. Bit Jack-in-the-Box is a mere block away! 😍