From the Archives: I Can TikTok and So Can You
A Geriatric Millennial’s Guide to 2020's Coolest Thing
By G.
[Ed note: Do you ever have a week when your five-year-old points out that you are fat and your teeth are yellow? When you get “not now-ed” by not one but SEVERAL colleagues who apparently don’t realize how lucky they are to have you? When a third world war starts? That is NOT a week to write a new Substack article. That is a week to spend 50% of your screen time on Wordle and the other 50% on a teenager’s app. That is a week in which you can not stop saying, “Uncah Jaaaams.” Please enjoy this nonsense from last year, which is perhaps more true and relevant than ever. Except now I am old.]
Before we get into this, let’s get one thing straight: I’m 37. I’m not old.
Don’t get me wrong, I feel old. I’m googling things like, “how to treat hyperpigmentation,” and, “why do my kidneys hurt?” The movie Titanic is now as old as I was when I got married...almost 13 years ago. And there are people I went to high school with whose kids are getting their early college acceptance letters right now.
And I feel old because I recently downloaded TikTok and am realizing that I used to babysit the whippersnappers the teens are calling “the older generation on TikTok...meaning, like, people born in the late nineties.”
Clearly this app is not meant for me. But I love it and I’ll tell you why.
It’s ideal for lurking. It’s not like on Instagram where it’s very weird if you follow people and like their photos but you don’t have any of your own. People who do that are creepers, ex-boyfriends, or Russian bots. But on TikTok, you can just swipe, swipe, swipe and never post a thing. In fact, it’s probably best that you don’t because that way the teens won’t roast you for knowing your Hogwarts house or using capital letters.
It’s literally a game. And the rules are simply, “Watch and like the right things and swipe up on the wrong things so the algorithm doesn’t think you’re a square.” If you succeed, you will be rewarded with more of the content you like. If you fail, you’ll find yourself inundated with videos of hot youths doing dance routines in their parents’ backyards or basements. Those dance routines are immaculate but, this is not the TikTok you’re looking for. More on that later.
It’s bite sized. It’s the video format of YouTube with the short-form, feed-focused content of Facebook or Twitter. Each video is between three and 60 seconds long, which means it’s perfect for working moms who are at the end of their ropes and have zero effs left to give at the end of the day. Or the beginning of the day. Any time of day. (Well, not any time...more on that later.)
It took me a long time to come around to TikTok. Being the Old that I am, I took the widely reported security concerns seriously. But then I realized that I’m already on Facebook and Instagram...and Twitter...and I have an iPhone... The Chinese government already knows all my secrets. Plus, my sister kept shoving bizarre and delightful videos in my face. After a while, I wanted to shove those videos in my own face.
So, if you’re an elder Millennial (or elder) and you’ve reached that point in Quar at which you’re ready to plunge eyeballs first into the wild world of Sea Shanties and Tell Me Without Telling Me challenges, here are a few things you should know:
There is a Right TikTok and a Wrong TikTok. Learn about it. If you keep swiping and all you’re seeing is beautiful people doing their sweet moves, turn around! Abort mission! This is Straight TikTok. Molly Ringwald TikTok. You want Ally Sheedy TikTok. Alt TikTok is where the quirky-but-kind-of-cool kids sit. Start over and smash that heart for anything that features Shrek or a muppet.
You’re going to get dunked on. Do you part your hair on the side? Really like caffeinated beverages? Own a pair of skinny jeans? Or worse...are you wearing them right now? If you were born between 1981 and 1996, prepare to be dragged by the kids who literally used to eat Tide Pods. These children are savage, and I mean that in the original way and in the Gen Z way that I had to google to make sure I got it right.
No TikTok after 10 p.m. Three to 60 seconds isn’t a long time until you do it 500 times. One minute, you’re scrolling in bed, snug as a bug under your weighted blanket, and when you look back up at the clock you realize that you’ve swiped through three hours worth of videos, it’s way past your bedtime, and you’re all hopped up on blue light and Billie Eilish sounds. Don’t feed Mogwai after midnight, and don’t do TikTok after sundown.
Last but not least, get yourself a guide. Like learning to skateboard after age 13, getting started on TikTok at our age can leave you feeling a little wobbly. If you have access to a younger Millennial, preferably between ages 26 and 30, ask them to accompany you on your descent. They’ll remind you to skip ads and coach you on which videos to like, which to watch, and which to swipe away from immediately so the algorithm doesn’t stick you with a bunch of #HairFails. If you don’t have a younger Millennial of your own, contact me. I might be able to scare one up for you.
And that’s it! Go. Download. Watch. Swipe. And text me a “thank you” when you find Henry Winkler.