By G.
Hello, consumer! I couldn’t help but notice that you seem to be coming unhinged. Last week, you served your child a bowl of Nutella as an after dinner treat. You picked up your antidepressants wearing a matching pajama set, socks and Birkenstocks, and a baggy cardigan…at 2 p.m. on a Thursday. When the cashier jokingly said, “Don’t do it…” as you reached for the three for $1 milk caramels in the bucket by the register, you spat back, “Sir, I have no choice!” before tossing a handful in your off-brand Baggu. It is clear that you need some extra support to get through this difficult time.
Have you considered buying these jeans?
These jeans are different from the jeans you bought with your birthday gift card on Cyber Monday. These jeans are problem-solving jeans. Potentially life-changing jeans. See how effortlessly our model lounges? See how she is not spending $200 on dubiously-sourced child-sized respirators? Do you think she is singing along to Fiona Apple, ugly crying alone in the car on the way home from the McDonald’s drive-thru? Not with that flawless cat-eye, she’s not.
Unlike you, our denim is sustainably made. And durable. These jeans are guaranteed to hold up long after you’ve come apart at the seams. Your nerves may fray, but these hems never will.
Hear me out…have you considered buying these jeans in the size you wish you were? If you order them today, you could get Omicron this weekend and lose enough weight to fit into them by the time they’re back in stock after the supply chain disruptions resolve. Lose your sense of smell long enough, and you might have to get them taken in by the time they’re shipped to your door.
Listen, would these jeans keep showing up on your phone if they weren’t the solution you were looking for? If you can’t trust our size guide, you can trust the algorithm.
This is “Late Stage Capitalism” and you need to face it. And by “it,” I mean your phone so you can finish your transaction. Be sure to wipe your tears. Apple Pay won’t recognize your face if you’re crying.