On this Christmas Eve, I come before you despondent and down-hearted.
No, it's not omicron, though that's not exactly helping. And the general sense of unrest and division in the world is just compounding the real problem.
I finally have to admit, to myself, and all of you, that Lifetime, Hallmark, and all the other people making tv Christmas movies, are officially out of ideas.
Yes, for years they've been recycling the same plot points, to the extent that you can play Christmas movie bingo and I feel ashamed that I live in a big city. But this year I found myself reliving some oddly specific story lines.
First I watched Holidaze, staring Jeanie Garth of 90210 fame. She's a big city businesswoman who goes back to her home town (hint: it's where real Christmas happens) to try to open a super store; this will require tearing down an old building her ex (hint: he won't stay her ex) is restoring to turn into an inn. In the end she saves the inn from her tyrannical employer by finding a picture of Mark Twain sitting in front of the building, and gets it designated as a historical site. Huzzah.
Next I watched A Winter Romance, staring Chad Michael Murray of One Tree Hill fame and that girl who has been in three other Christmas movies with him. He's a real estate developer who goes back to his home town to try to buy an old inn so he can modernize it and turn it into a resort. His love interest/rival ends up stopping him by finding a picture of Teddy Roosevelt in front of the inn and getting it designated as a historical site. Huzzah.
Finally, I watched Snowed Inn Christmas, staring Bethany Joy Lenz also of One Tree Hill fame. She and a fellow writer at her newspaper get stuck in Indiana en route to Aspen and stay at an old historic inn. The inn is about to be torn down, and they decide they can save it by writing a story about it and finding the documents that prove its historic value so it can be designated as a historic site. Don't worry-- they find them! Hu-freakin-zah.
Now, in the last one the owner of the inn may or may not have turned out to be Santa Claus, so at least it had that tangent going for it, but overall I found it very difficult to not feel like I was watching the same movie over and over and over. The actors even all sound the same when they talk aboot going oot in the snow.
I watched two movies centered on ghosting people over texting. Yes, not one but TWO producers made the connection that "ghosting" is kind of like "ghosts," as in past, present and future. And yes, I completed the Princess Switch trilogy. If Vanessa Hudgens offered to clean my house, watch my kids, and give me a massage, I would tell her I have more than exceeded my threshold for her presence in my life and send her on her way.
The towel was finally thrown in when I read the descriptions of this year's Lifetime movies. From Hulu:
Holiday in Santa Fe: Sparks fly when a greeting card executive arrives in Santa Fe to acquire a tight-knit family company that creates ornaments inspired by Mexican Christmas traditions.
Christmas Inn Farmstead: sparks fly between a real estate agent and a handsome rival when they compete to sell the same property during the holidays.
Christmas in Washington: sparks fly between a talented interior designer and a newly appointed ambassador as she decorates an annual Christmas charity ball.
Christmas at Maple Creek: sparks fly between a romance novelist and a blacksmith as they try to save a charming village during the holidays.
Basically, I could start a small electrical fire and watch it for a few hours and I'd make my way through the Lifetime repertoire. Now, this is not to say I will not watch any more of these movies. But I can no longer pretend the ratio of holiday fuzzies to total waste of time is in my favor.
So, this Christmas Eve, if you want to tip the scales back, I suggest you go with something tried and true. If you need some suggestions, our friend Luisa over at Curiouser has written a Pulitzer-worthy essay on why Die Hard rivals It's a Wonderful Life as the ultimate Christmas movie, with plenty of biblical and literary references to support her thesis that John McLane's journey is, in fact, a modern retelling of the Christ story. It brought me to happy Christmas tears.
If your attention span can't handle a whole movie, I offer below just a few solid holiday episodes of some of our favorite shows, along with links cause I’m in a giving mood. Please don't burn me alive for the one's I've left out; just add them in the comments.
Merry Christmas to all, and yippee ki-yay.
30 Rock: Season 2, Episode 9; Season 3, Episode 5; Season 4, Episode 8;
How I Met Your Mother: Season 2, Episode 11; Season 4, Episode 13; Season 6, Episode 12
Brooklyn 99: Season 1, Episode 11; Season 2, Episode 10; Season 3, Episode 10;
Community: Season 1, Episode 12; Season 2, Episode 10
Arrested Development: Season 1, Episode 7
Schitt’s Creek: Season 4, Episode 13