By Britta
Kids, it's almost mommy's birthday.
Now, it's possible you're considering some sort of gift; something along the lines of a finger painting, or a meal that will get syrup in my bed sheets? Let me stop you right there and draw your attention instead to the wiper fluid refills at the gas station.
Why?
Because, children. Because being an adult sucks.
Yes, you have work and children to take care of and bills to pay and groceries to buy and bathrooms to clean. Those are the things you’ve always heard about. But if it stopped there, every day would feel like a vacation. But there is more to do than you children ever realized.
Did you know that green waste garbage cans left uncovered fill up with rain water, and then raccoons poop in them, and then you find yourself waiting until dark so people can’t see you putting the can on a skateboard and wheeling it down the block to dump it in a vacant lot? Sometimes it happens.
And adults have mortgages. I’m not even talking about the stress and time of having to pay for it. I’m talking about the stress and time of trying to understand it, and trying to find a place in the filing cabinet for the book that explains everything you’ve agreed to.
And adults have to buy filing cabinets when they realize they don’t have one.
And adults have to keep an eye on the internet and cable providers. The amount it costs them to provide you with cable apparently fluctuates with ocean currents, so you have to call and yell at them every few months or you will end up paying $286 to watch a Canadian couple buy a house.
Did I mention toenails? You realize at some point that, on top of everything else, adults are responsible for the length of their children's toenails. How often are you supposed to clip toddler toenails? Who knows. You need to read a book about it. But you can only read that when your kids are sleeping. But they’ll only go to sleep if you read a book about getting your kids to sleep.
And then you think about extension cords. Extension cords are just strewn around the house and the garage with no system. Where are extension cords supposed to go? Where do other people keep their extension cords? Adults have to figure these things out.
And apparently, according an article I just saw on the basics of skincare, I’m supposed to do a facial mask every week. This wasn’t an article on the diva’s guide to skincare; apparently this is a basic hygiene step I’ve been skipping my whole life.
And then the dishwasher stops draining. It drained yesterday, but not today. Why does that happen. I don’t know, but adults have to deal with it when it does.
And did you know that college for you will cost roughly the GDP of Bulgaria, so if I’m going to contribute anything I’m going to have to start some sort of savings plan? Apparently that’s a thing, and there’s a million options, and if I choose the wrong one you kids will end up being real estate agents.
And sometimes when you’re an adult there are stains on your couch. The cushion covers have zippers, but the covers are buttoned to the cushion. So you can’t remove them – so what is the point of the zippers?? So you have to rent one of those carpet cleaners you see at the grocery store if you want your couch to stop looking like your dishcloths.
Oh, and you have to buy new dishcloths, cause the old ones are as dirty as your couch.
And people are driving down your street way too fast, so you have to go to a community meeting and play the part of Angry Neighbor #6 so you can get a stop sign put in.
And apparently you’re supposed to squeegee the shower every time you use it.
And write and notarize a will.
And deal with the termites in the window frames.
And schedule dentist appointments for everyone.
And, after you congratulate yourself for actually going to the dentist, figure out why your dental insurance refused to pay for it.
And exercise and eat vegetables and figure out what the new trendy leafy green is.
And get the front yard landscaped.
And change the water filter in the fridge. After you buy new filters.
And protect your identity from being stolen.
And figure out which sports you kids are supposed to be playing and how to sign you up for them and whether it's hurting or expediting your social, cognitive, and psychological development for you to be pushed into things you don't want to do.
And actually take the stuff in the give-away pile to Good Will.
And recycle plastic bags.
And call the IRS daily to try to get connected to someone who can explain how they sent your money to the wrong city, only to finally have someone explain that you have to do your taxes as though they didn't lose your money and hope that at some point they will correct their mistake - which you have to treat as your mistake.
You see kids, being an adult is the worst. So remember, a birthday card you make at school says, "I made this to check a box." Taking away a little piece of adulting for me says, "I care about your wellbeing and I want you to feel, if only for a moment, that a piece of your life is under control. But you are the queen of your life and the empress of this house even without that. And those sweatpants look amazing."
So, let's make this mommy's best birthday ever! Let me dial the IRS for you - I have it memorized.